Jesus' Advice for Conflict
“If death and taxes are the first two certainties of life, conflict is the third. Life requires conflict.” — Barna, 1997
What Makes A Leader
The further you advance in leadership, the more opportunities you have to manage conflict around you. With this responsibility comes the urgency to know how to resolve conflict well. The leader should not ignore the conflict nor should they use it as an opportunity to assert dominance. George Barna makes the bold claim in Leaders on Leadership, “A leader who will not confront is not a leader… A leader who will not serve is not a leader” (Barna, 1997). But in the gospel of Matthew, Jesus lays out a model in which to resolve conflict in a biblical way. At any point in the conflict resolution process, if you are not actively loving both parties, then you are failing to lead well.
Addressing Conflict
In the middle of a passionate lesson to his disciples, Jesus took a turn to teach on conflict and how one ought to approach resolving it. “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone” (Matthew 18:15a). He is speaking to the person who is the victim of the conflict which is occurring. Using the language, “If your brother sins against you,” keeps it general and open enough to apply to many kinds of situations. What does Jesus tell them to do? To address the conflict. This is important because the person who might feel attacked or victimized ought to vocalize the sin with the person committing the sin. What did Jesus not tell them to do? To ignore the conflict. He did not tell them to first go and gossip about the conflict with others. Rather, he specified to do it alone. Jesus continues, “If he listens to you, you have gained a brother” (Matthew 18:15b). If the person listens to you, that is wonderful. Praise God, because the conflict is resolved.
But What If They Don’t Listen?
But what should you do if the person does not listen and the conflict remains? In the next part of the passage, Jesus addresses that. “But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses” (Matthew 18:16). If the first step of talking with the person alone did not work, Jesus’ advice is to bring one or two people with you. This is so that whatever is discussed and whatever claims are made are not done without witness and people who can affirm what was spoken. When this takes place, it allows for the conflict to have another opportunity for resolution. Having additional ears and mouths can encourage the person to rethink their attitude.
Restorative vs Punitive
However, if that, too, does not seem to work… do not give up. Jesus continues, “If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church” (Matthew 18:17a). At this point, there have been two attempts to address the conflict. So if the person has yet to show any desire to admit fault and move on, Jesus says to tell it to the church. If the conflict has gotten this far, the next step ought to be to open up to the church. If it is a layperson issue, you should bring it up to the leadership of the church. If it is a leadership issue, you should bring it up to the elders and the members. This is to have an even greater accountability and to clear up any gossip and deception that might take place. The church’s desire should never be to punish, but always to restore. Conflict resolution needs to be restorative, never punitive.
When Enough Is Enough
Finally, if none of the previous steps were effective, Jesus concludes the conflict resolution action plan by advising the people, “If he refuses to listen to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector” (Matthew 18:17b). When one ceases to repent after multiple tiers of people approaching them with the issue, “then he or she is to be excluded from the fellowship and thought of as an unbeliever” (ESV Study Bible). This should not be the first step in attempting to resolve the conflict, that is why Jesus listed it as number four. Individuals must display the patience and grace to not give up on the person quicker than they should. But there is a reality that the best, and most loving, thing you can do for the brother or sister in Christ is to excommunicate. How can this be beneficial? Paul writes to the church in Corinth who had a member that was sleeping with his father’s wife. The church discipline enacted was “to deliver this man to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord” (1 Corinthians 5:5).
Who Is This For?
In the passage where Jesus is explaining the attack strategy for conflict resolution, the people he is speaking to is not a crowd, nor is it a political counsel, but he is addressing his disciples. Briefly before Verses 15 through 17, we read, “At that time the disciples came to Jesus” (Matthew 18:1). Jesus was intentional about releasing this teaching specifically to his closest followers. What are the implications of this? That this practice of resolving conflict is specific for the church. Therefore, we ought not to expect non-Christians to apply this principle. But believers cannot neglect living this out.
In this teaching, Jesus lays out the foundation for how to address conflict, especially in the church. By explaining to the disciples that there are four tiers in which people deal with resolving conflict:
Address the sin in private
Bring someone for accountability
Tell it to the church
Separation/excommunication
Each step progressively adds more accountability and challenge to the person. Starting with you and him alone, it is a low challenge atmosphere. By adding a couple people to the conversation, it ensures greater accountability and witnesses to make sure things are said fairly and correctly. Then, expressing it to the church to have the large body to keep them accountable in the process. And finally, if all else has failed, then cutting ties with the individual and separation for both parties.
The Goal of Conflict
The goal of this exercise is to fully resolve the conflict without offending or hurting anyone in the process. By using the model that Jesus introduced in Matthew 18 for conflict resolution, the best case scenario is that every party involved is encouraged and brought closer to one another, and in return, fall into a deeper walk with God. The goal is restoration. The prayer for conflict, like every other thing in life, is that God is glorified through it. So whether the conflict is as small as an unintentionally rude comment or as severe as a sexual impurity from a pastor, the hope is to glorify God with how the conflict was resolved.